Epilogue

Before Fajr it’s still dark, the crack of dawn smudging the darkness in light blue ribbons between the edges of my window. 

As soon as I get up and make wudu I roll my prayer mat on the floor. I go through the motions of prayer, performing istikhara. 

When my head hits the ground, all the worries rioting inside my head calm; the buzzing sound that is constantly playing inside my head quietens. For a long time I stay that way, letting my arms relax, and prayed. My head feels light as I lift it off the mat and sit, but it’s not that heavy, weighted feeling I’m used to all the time. 

Today it feels like I’m floating in water, trusting the current to pull me towards the shore and when I finally finish and get up, I can walk without it slowing me down.